Attachment styles in adults are a fascinating thing. They form in childhood but have such a huge impact on every relationship you have in your life.
The purpose of attachment theory is to explain the way we behave in relationships. Those patterns start with the relationship we have with our parents or caregivers, and later carry over into friendships, romantic relationships and even work.
There are four basic attachment styles:
- secure
- anxious/preoccupied
- avoidant/dismissive
- disorganised
John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth built the foundation of attachment theory between the 1950s to 1970s, and Mary Main and Judith Solomon added the disorganised attachment style in 1986.
The Avoidant Attachment Style
I recently found out that I have an avoidant attachment style, which came as a bit of a blow to someone who had always thought she was securely attached.
Signs of Avoidant Attachment
People with an avoidant attachment style (for the sake of simplicity, I will call them “Avoiders”) usually value their freedom and independence above all else. They want to be seen as strong, capable and self-sufficient.
These can be good things, because Avoiders normally have high self-esteem and don’t need constant reassurance from others.
However, they often have trust and intimacy issues. They struggle to be vulnerable or to ask for help.
In relationships, they tend to shut the other person out when they get too close. Especially in romance, when things get too serious, it becomes very tempting to run away.
Some things avoidant people might do in relationships include:
- avoiding intimacy
- looking for flaws in their partner when things get too serious (as a way to justify ending the relationship)
- being inconsistent in showing affection
- avoiding deep conversations
- hesitating to invest time and effort in a relationship
- shutting down in conflict
- saying they need space without explaining further
- focusing on facts and logic instead of feelings
A 2014 study (”Can You Tell That I’m in a Relationship? Attachment and Relationship Visibility on Facebook” Emery et al.) also suggested that avoidant individuals have a lower desire for their relationship to be visible to other people.
Where It Comes From
Attachment styles can change through experiences in adulthood but, as I have mentioned, they usually originate in childhood.
When parents don’t offer emotional support or disapprove of their child’s displays of emotion, the child might develop an avoidant attachment style. Even when the parents themselves don’t show much emotion or affection, it can result in avoidant attachment in their children.
Other contributing factors include:
- strong emphasis on independence when growing up
- neglectful parents
- overly critical parents
- parents who make fun of a child’s problems or are annoyed by them
Most of the time, these things don’t happen on purpose. Parents often don’t think anything of it when they repeatedly tell their child how proud they are of how independently they act. They don’t realise that if a child repeatedly doesn’t feel understood, they will eventually stop talking about what bothers them.
Usually, parents want what’s best for their children, but that can be hard to identify. Mistakes happen, and they have unintended consequences.
How to Heal
What we all need to practise is the healthy processing of emotions. That means noticing, identifying, accepting and, lastly, expressing our emotions.
Emotional Regulation
Probably the first thing we need to learn is not to push emotions aside right away. Simply holding on to them and actually feeling them is a good start. To identify the emotion, it helps to focus on the physical sensation that comes with it.
After you have noticed and identified an emotion, you need to accept it. What really helps me with that is remembering that emotions are always there to make you pay attention to something. Every emotion has a reason to be there, even if that reason isn’t always logical.
Once you know what you feel and why you feel that way, the emotion is much easier to let go of. If you can’t, and you feel it runs a little deeper, I highly recommend journal prompts.
One of my favourites is “If your anxiety/sadness/anger could speak, what would it be trying to tell you?” But there are heaps of other emotional regulation prompts out there for you to try.
Being Vulnerable
Once you know what you feel, the next step is communicating it to other people. Even if the other person isn’t directly affected, try to share your emotions with them, just for emotional support.
I know, that sounds crazy.
If you do have an avoidant attachment style, asking for any kind of support is probably not your thing. For me, it helps to frame it as practice. It’s all just training, nothing more.
A great first step is to stop automatically saying you’re fine. I know that can be harder than it sounds, so I recently started saying “I’m fine”, but with a tone of voice that clearly implies a “but” whenever I’m not fine. I have now reached the point where I can say “I’m kind of fine”, but in a tone that implies “actually, I’m not”. I feel confident that I’ll soon be able to say “I’m not really fine”.
It might seem like ridiculously small steps for some people, but if you’ve been struggling with these things for years, ridiculously small steps are better than no steps.
It’s a process, guys.
Asking for Help
Just like communicating your feelings, communicating your needs can be difficult, because it may make you feel weak.
But here too, you can start with small favours that don’t take the other person much effort. Picking something up from the grocery store while they are there; asking someone to get something for you from a high shelf instead of getting a stool; etc.
If you’re lucky, you’ll meet people who just help you without being asked. I am currently practising to actually let them help me and not tell them to fuck off (sorry for the swearing).
In general, to heal from an avoidant attachment style, you need to lean into the discomfort a little. I found this pin on Pinterest, and I think it sums it up pretty well:
I made a Pinterest board around avoidant attachment as well, with journal prompts, advice and some very relatable descriptions I found. You may find some more helpful stuff on there.
As always, I hope I could help you today and remember that you can always decide how you act and who you want to be 💕
I’ll see you next week!
🖥️ sources:
https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-avoidant-attachment-in-relationships-8600201
