What is Emotional Regulation? - Our Twenties and Us

Hello everyone!

I have actually been struggling to write this article, because this is such an important topic for me. Emotional regulation is something I never really thought about, and yet, now that I found the term and dived a little deeper into the concept, I believe it makes all the difference. However, all the sources I found on the subject just looked at it from either a scientific or a practical application perspective and while those are definitely interesting and important, I feel like it doesn’t really make you realise how powerful emotional regulation actually is.

Emotional regulation is often confused with supressing your feelings, but that’s not what it is at all! Emotional regulation means feeling your emotions, but not being overwhelmed by them. It is the ability to think clearly, even in emotionally highly triggering situations.

The first time I really even noticed emotional regulation as a concept was when coming across this video of freeskier Eileen Gu: https://www.tiktok.com/@economist_yee/video/7619113682877910303?q=eileen gu cry and run&t=1782893608961

Even in a difficult situation, she isn’t flooded by her emotions. She doesn’t ignore them and she doesn’t try to repress them, but you get the impression that there is a distance between her as a person and her feelings. This distance helps her to think and act clearly in a way that is not led by her emotions.

“It’s not about being unbothered. It’s about not letting your triggers choose who you become. That’s regulation. That’s growth.”

(source: https://www.tiktok.com/@emotionalsupportclub/photo/7516608743337889055?q=emotional regulation&t=1782894375776)

Most people act with the goal of being authentic, which would mean showing your emotions. But being authentic doesn’t always align with your values. For example when you are angry at someone, the authentic reaction would be to let your anger out and scream at them, while a value-driven response would probably include taking a deep breath, telling them that you are angry and then having a calm conversation about the problem. So I have recently shifted my focus from acting authentically to acting in a way that aligns with my values.

“Your emotions are valid, but your actions are not. Your anger is valid, but you screaming is not.”

– unknown

But now, let’s talk about how we can manage our emotions. There are multiple layers to emotional regulation:

Before you get into an emotionally demanding situation

prediction

The first step is to observe yourself and find out in which situations you tend to feel a specific emotion and how you tend to act then. That way, you can mentally prepare for those conditions. For example, I tend to doom-scroll when I feel frustrated. So whenever I feel frustrated, I make sure to only use my phone when I have enough distance from my feelings or I don’t use it at all.

In an emotionally demanding situation

physical regulation – don’t spiral

Emotions are not only in our heads. They are often tied to physical sensations like a lump in your throat or butterflies in your stomach. Focus on those sensations in order to get out of the spiralling process and back to the present. Breathing techniques, movement or simply making yourself aware of colours, smells or noises in your environment can help too.

mental regulation – creating distance

The first step of mental regulation would be to name the emotion you are feeling as accurately as possible. That already creates some distance. Then it is essential to realise that you and your feelings are separate. The fact that you can notice and name them means that they are not you. In order to visualise this, you can see an emotion as an object you are holding.

After you got out of an emotionally demanding situation

validation

For this last stage, it is important to know that emotions are signals your body sends you in order to keep you safe. To find out the specific cause of your feelings, you can ask yourself what your body is trying to protect you from. Something I find very interesting to do is visualising a dialogue with the emotion I am feeling (like in “Inside-Out”). Imagining what the emotion that I am experiencing would say, how it would argue and what it would tell me to do gives me a lot of insight on deeper feelings.

This was only a small insight into what emotional regulation means, but I hope I was able to show you what a huge difference it makes to your life.

I wish you all the best and see you next time! 💕